Thursday, August 8, 2013
Making history
Throughout the duration of my life I've been able to see some amazing changes in history. I've seen racism reduce and continue to be fought against. I've seen homosexuality go from sinful to embraced throughout many societies. I've seen and been apart of many acts of equality, and now I'm watching women gain more and more rights everyday. This is the generation for change and for saying a big fuck you to those who stand in the way of an equal future for all.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Recaps.
It's currently 2:28am and I need to get a few things off my chest (well, fingers).
A week ago today it was my 19th birthday. I had no phone calls at midnight (or none at all, for that matter), no gifts, no surprises, I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years (who I later took back) and limited people remembered it was my birthday. I saw friends who I've known for years and they didn't say a thing to me. I had my "best friend" lie to me and tell me that he got me something when he didn't. I spent a 3 hour bus from my mum's to my current house in Adelaide where I plotted my suicide. Every thought was running through my mind. Every possibility. I hadn't stopped crying since I had woken up and I sure as hell wasn't stopping while this depression had me by the shoulders. I honestly thought I was either going to end up in hospital by the end of the night, or possibly even dead. These thoughts passed once I got off the bus and saw Kody.
Kody has always been a strong light for me. I didn't know how much I depended on him until that moment. I'm not sure where our relationship is going or if he's the one that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, but I really am very grateful to have him in my life right now. And right now is all that matters. It's too difficult to plan ahead because then I create expectations and I get extreme anxiety which makes it so easy for my depression to get to me. I don't know. Everything's difficult.
I'm not sure as to what my future holds. I thought uni wasn't for me, but after this long break I feel refreshed and like I can tackle another semester and hopefully even pass my subjects this time. Maybe I can finish uni and get a degree, it just might not be an easy path. It might take many more years than I thought. What other choice do I have than to just keep swimming? I wish things were easier. I wish I had someone to show me the way, or to encourage me or inspire me. I wish I had a family who were stable and who cared for one another. I wish I had friends that remembered and cared about me. I wish I had motivation to complete my goals. I wish I had a passion for something. Anything.
I guess I just want to know that my existence is significant and that I'm not just a disposable waste of breath.
A week ago today it was my 19th birthday. I had no phone calls at midnight (or none at all, for that matter), no gifts, no surprises, I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years (who I later took back) and limited people remembered it was my birthday. I saw friends who I've known for years and they didn't say a thing to me. I had my "best friend" lie to me and tell me that he got me something when he didn't. I spent a 3 hour bus from my mum's to my current house in Adelaide where I plotted my suicide. Every thought was running through my mind. Every possibility. I hadn't stopped crying since I had woken up and I sure as hell wasn't stopping while this depression had me by the shoulders. I honestly thought I was either going to end up in hospital by the end of the night, or possibly even dead. These thoughts passed once I got off the bus and saw Kody.
Kody has always been a strong light for me. I didn't know how much I depended on him until that moment. I'm not sure where our relationship is going or if he's the one that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, but I really am very grateful to have him in my life right now. And right now is all that matters. It's too difficult to plan ahead because then I create expectations and I get extreme anxiety which makes it so easy for my depression to get to me. I don't know. Everything's difficult.
I'm not sure as to what my future holds. I thought uni wasn't for me, but after this long break I feel refreshed and like I can tackle another semester and hopefully even pass my subjects this time. Maybe I can finish uni and get a degree, it just might not be an easy path. It might take many more years than I thought. What other choice do I have than to just keep swimming? I wish things were easier. I wish I had someone to show me the way, or to encourage me or inspire me. I wish I had a family who were stable and who cared for one another. I wish I had friends that remembered and cared about me. I wish I had motivation to complete my goals. I wish I had a passion for something. Anything.
I guess I just want to know that my existence is significant and that I'm not just a disposable waste of breath.
“Writing Advice: by Chuck Palahniuk
In six seconds, you’ll hate me.
But in six months, you’ll be a better writer.
From this point forward—at least for the next half year—you may not use “thought” verbs. These include: Thinks, Knows, Understands, Realizes, Believes, Wants, Remembers, Imagines, Desires, and a hundred others you love to use.
The list should also include: Loves and Hates.
And it should include: Is and Has, but we’ll get to those later.
Until some time around Christmas, you can’t write: Kenny wondered if Monica didn’t like him going out at night…”
Instead, you’ll have to Un-pack that to something like: “The
mornings after Kenny had stayed out, beyond the last bus, until he’d had to bum a ride or pay for a cab and got home to find Monica faking sleep, faking because she never slept that quiet, those mornings, she’d only put her own cup of coffee in the microwave. Never his.”
Instead of characters knowing anything, you must now present the details that allow the reader to know them. Instead of a character wanting something, you must now describe the thing so that the reader wants it.
Instead of saying: “Adam knew Gwen liked him.” You’ll have to say: “Between classes, Gwen had always leaned on his locker when he’d go to open it. She’s roll her eyes and shove off with one foot, leaving a black-heel mark on the painted metal, but she also left the smell of her perfume. The combination lock would still be warm from her butt. And the next break, Gwen would be leaned there, again.”
In short, no more short-cuts. Only specific sensory detail: action, smell, taste, sound, and feeling.
Typically, writers use these “thought” verbs at the beginning of a paragraph (In this form, you can call them “Thesis Statements” and I’ll rail against those, later). In a way, they state the intention of the paragraph. And what follows, illustrates them.
For example:
“Brenda knew she’d never make the deadline. was backed up from the bridge, past the first eight or nine exits. Her cell phone battery was dead. At home, the dogs would need to go out, or there would be a mess to clean up. Plus, she’d promised to water the plants for her neighbor…”
Do you see how the opening “thesis statement” steals the thunder of what follows? Don’t do it.
If nothing else, cut the opening sentence and place it after all the others. Better yet, transplant it and change it to: Brenda would never make the deadline.
Thinking is abstract. Knowing and believing are intangible. Your story will always be stronger if you just show the physical actions and details of your characters and allow your reader to do the thinking and knowing. And loving and hating.
Don’t tell your reader: “Lisa hated Tom.”
Instead, make your case like a lawyer in court, detail by detail.
Present each piece of evidence. For example: “During roll call, in the breath after the teacher said Tom’s name, in that moment before he could answer, right then, Lisa would whisper-shout ‘Butt Wipe,’ just as Tom was saying, ‘Here’.”
One of the most-common mistakes that beginning writers make is leaving their characters alone. Writing, you may be alone. Reading, your audience may be alone. But your character should spend very, very little time alone. Because a solitary character starts thinking or worrying or wondering.
For example: Waiting for the bus, Mark started to worry about how long the trip would take…”
A better break-down might be: “The schedule said the bus would come by at noon, but Mark’s watch said it was already 11:57. You could see all the way down the road, as far as the Mall, and not see a bus. No doubt, the driver was parked at the turn-around, the far end of the line, taking a nap. The driver was kicked back, asleep, and Mark was going to be late. Or worse, the driver was drinking, and he’d pull up drunk and charge Mark seventy-five cents for death in a fiery traffic accident…”
A character alone must lapse into fantasy or memory, but even then you can’t use “thought” verbs or any of their abstract relatives.
Oh, and you can just forget about using the verbs forget and remember.
No more transitions such as: “Wanda remembered how Nelson used to brush her hair.”
Instead: “Back in their sophomore year, Nelson used to brush her hair with smooth, long strokes of his hand.”
Again, Un-pack. Don’t take short-cuts.
Better yet, get your character with another character, fast.
Get them together and get the action started. Let their actions and words show their thoughts. You—stay out of their heads.
And while you’re avoiding “thought” verbs, be very wary about using the bland verbs “is” and “have.”
For example:
“Ann’s eyes are blue.”
“Ann has blue eyes.”
Versus:
“Ann coughed and waved one hand past her face, clearing the cigarette smoke from her eyes, blue eyes, before she smiled…”
Instead of bland “is” and “has” statements, try burying your details of what a character has or is, in actions or gestures. At its most basic, this is showing your story instead of telling it.
And forever after, once you’ve learned to Un-pack your characters, you’ll hate the lazy writer who settles for: “Jim sat beside the telephone, wondering why Amanda didn’t call.”
Please. For now, hate me all you want, but don’t use thought verbs. After Christmas, go crazy, but I’d bet money you won’t.
(…)
For this month’s homework, pick through your writing and circle every “thought” verb. Then, find some way to eliminate it. Kill it by Un-packing it.
Then, pick through some published fiction and do the same thing. Be ruthless.
“Marty imagined fish, jumping in the moonlight…”
“Nancy recalled the way the wine tasted…”
“Larry knew he was a dead man…”
Find them. After that, find a way to re-write them. Make them stronger."
In six seconds, you’ll hate me.
But in six months, you’ll be a better writer.
From this point forward—at least for the next half year—you may not use “thought” verbs. These include: Thinks, Knows, Understands, Realizes, Believes, Wants, Remembers, Imagines, Desires, and a hundred others you love to use.
The list should also include: Loves and Hates.
And it should include: Is and Has, but we’ll get to those later.
Until some time around Christmas, you can’t write: Kenny wondered if Monica didn’t like him going out at night…”
Instead, you’ll have to Un-pack that to something like: “The
mornings after Kenny had stayed out, beyond the last bus, until he’d had to bum a ride or pay for a cab and got home to find Monica faking sleep, faking because she never slept that quiet, those mornings, she’d only put her own cup of coffee in the microwave. Never his.”
Instead of characters knowing anything, you must now present the details that allow the reader to know them. Instead of a character wanting something, you must now describe the thing so that the reader wants it.
Instead of saying: “Adam knew Gwen liked him.” You’ll have to say: “Between classes, Gwen had always leaned on his locker when he’d go to open it. She’s roll her eyes and shove off with one foot, leaving a black-heel mark on the painted metal, but she also left the smell of her perfume. The combination lock would still be warm from her butt. And the next break, Gwen would be leaned there, again.”
In short, no more short-cuts. Only specific sensory detail: action, smell, taste, sound, and feeling.
Typically, writers use these “thought” verbs at the beginning of a paragraph (In this form, you can call them “Thesis Statements” and I’ll rail against those, later). In a way, they state the intention of the paragraph. And what follows, illustrates them.
For example:
“Brenda knew she’d never make the deadline. was backed up from the bridge, past the first eight or nine exits. Her cell phone battery was dead. At home, the dogs would need to go out, or there would be a mess to clean up. Plus, she’d promised to water the plants for her neighbor…”
Do you see how the opening “thesis statement” steals the thunder of what follows? Don’t do it.
If nothing else, cut the opening sentence and place it after all the others. Better yet, transplant it and change it to: Brenda would never make the deadline.
Thinking is abstract. Knowing and believing are intangible. Your story will always be stronger if you just show the physical actions and details of your characters and allow your reader to do the thinking and knowing. And loving and hating.
Don’t tell your reader: “Lisa hated Tom.”
Instead, make your case like a lawyer in court, detail by detail.
Present each piece of evidence. For example: “During roll call, in the breath after the teacher said Tom’s name, in that moment before he could answer, right then, Lisa would whisper-shout ‘Butt Wipe,’ just as Tom was saying, ‘Here’.”
One of the most-common mistakes that beginning writers make is leaving their characters alone. Writing, you may be alone. Reading, your audience may be alone. But your character should spend very, very little time alone. Because a solitary character starts thinking or worrying or wondering.
For example: Waiting for the bus, Mark started to worry about how long the trip would take…”
A better break-down might be: “The schedule said the bus would come by at noon, but Mark’s watch said it was already 11:57. You could see all the way down the road, as far as the Mall, and not see a bus. No doubt, the driver was parked at the turn-around, the far end of the line, taking a nap. The driver was kicked back, asleep, and Mark was going to be late. Or worse, the driver was drinking, and he’d pull up drunk and charge Mark seventy-five cents for death in a fiery traffic accident…”
A character alone must lapse into fantasy or memory, but even then you can’t use “thought” verbs or any of their abstract relatives.
Oh, and you can just forget about using the verbs forget and remember.
No more transitions such as: “Wanda remembered how Nelson used to brush her hair.”
Instead: “Back in their sophomore year, Nelson used to brush her hair with smooth, long strokes of his hand.”
Again, Un-pack. Don’t take short-cuts.
Better yet, get your character with another character, fast.
Get them together and get the action started. Let their actions and words show their thoughts. You—stay out of their heads.
And while you’re avoiding “thought” verbs, be very wary about using the bland verbs “is” and “have.”
For example:
“Ann’s eyes are blue.”
“Ann has blue eyes.”
Versus:
“Ann coughed and waved one hand past her face, clearing the cigarette smoke from her eyes, blue eyes, before she smiled…”
Instead of bland “is” and “has” statements, try burying your details of what a character has or is, in actions or gestures. At its most basic, this is showing your story instead of telling it.
And forever after, once you’ve learned to Un-pack your characters, you’ll hate the lazy writer who settles for: “Jim sat beside the telephone, wondering why Amanda didn’t call.”
Please. For now, hate me all you want, but don’t use thought verbs. After Christmas, go crazy, but I’d bet money you won’t.
(…)
For this month’s homework, pick through your writing and circle every “thought” verb. Then, find some way to eliminate it. Kill it by Un-packing it.
Then, pick through some published fiction and do the same thing. Be ruthless.
“Marty imagined fish, jumping in the moonlight…”
“Nancy recalled the way the wine tasted…”
“Larry knew he was a dead man…”
Find them. After that, find a way to re-write them. Make them stronger."
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
OOTD: Last friday!
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Some wisedom from Isaiah Berlin.
“The
‘positive’ sense of the word ‘liberty’ derives from the wish on the part
of the individual to be his own master. I wish my life and decisions to
depend on myself, not on external forces of whatever kind. I wish to be
the instrument of my own, not of other men’s acts of will. I wish to be
a subject, not an object; to be moved by reasons, by conscious purposes
which are my own, not by causes which
affect me, as it were, from outside. I wish to be somebody, not nobody; a
doer - deciding, not being decided for, self-directed and not acted
upon by external nature or by other men as if I were a thing, or an
animal, or a slave incapable of playing a human role, that is, of
conceiving goals and policies of my own and realising them.”
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Self destruction.
I'm in a rut. A self destructive rut. I wake. I watch Vampire Diaries. I take a half hour break around the 4 hour mark and eat something to get me by. I spend the next 10 hours watching Vampire Diaries. By then my brain is searching for more; Vampire Diaries no longer suffices. I start to think about things. Things start clawing at my conscience. I force myself to go to sleep to escape the thoughts. I wake. I repeat.
I'm drowning.
I'm drowning.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Part 2: an unfamiliar feeling that's just too familiar
Ever since I can remember I've been looking after my mum. I remember when she had her mental breakdown, I had just started high school. I'd tuck her into my bed beside me at night and I'd stay up for as long as I could, just to make sure that she was getting some rest. One night I realised that something was different; there was no one beside me when I woke up. Later that day I realised that she had stabbed the inside of her arm (where all the major veins meet) with a bottle opener. I blamed myself. I thought that I had failed her. I struggled for the rest of my high school years with the idea that I could of been responsible for her death as I hadn't stayed up long enough to make sure that she was asleep.
My relationship with my mum has always been strained. We've never had a mother daughter bond, or even a simple friendship. She just made shitty decisions time and time again and I was left to pick up the pieces and deal with the consequences. These experiences have shaped who I am today in such a negative way. I struggle to handle my feelings and thoughts adequately. I'm terrified of making the same mistakes as my mum and I'm terrible at coping with what happened in my childhood (or lack of).
Last year my mum and her husband got into a fight, and in result, her back was broken. She stayed with him. I kept my mouth shut and numbed myself even further. Not long afterwards my brother rang the police and informed them on everything. I watched my step father, step brother and gran be arrested for multiple offences. My mum and I were given a home from the women's shelter. My mum was ripped away from her husband and her destructive life, and once again I was left to pick up the pieces. We struggled. We fought. We starved. We survived. I finished year 12 with the best grades of my life and got into my first preference university and course. I left my hometown to start a new life with my boyfriend. I didn't mind leaving my mum in our hometown because my brother lived near by. Everything was okay for a while. Now my brother is moving up to the city near my sister and I, which leaves my mum all alone in a town full of bad memories. I feel terrible; she's becoming an old woman with nothing to show for her life. No family, no money, nothing. I've spent my entire life looking after her and I feel like I'm doing something terribly wrong now that I've broken away from that life. I worry for her mental and physical stability; she's extremely depressed, often suicidal, alone and is struggling with a broken back.
I'm terrified and it shows.
My relationship with my mum has always been strained. We've never had a mother daughter bond, or even a simple friendship. She just made shitty decisions time and time again and I was left to pick up the pieces and deal with the consequences. These experiences have shaped who I am today in such a negative way. I struggle to handle my feelings and thoughts adequately. I'm terrified of making the same mistakes as my mum and I'm terrible at coping with what happened in my childhood (or lack of).
Last year my mum and her husband got into a fight, and in result, her back was broken. She stayed with him. I kept my mouth shut and numbed myself even further. Not long afterwards my brother rang the police and informed them on everything. I watched my step father, step brother and gran be arrested for multiple offences. My mum and I were given a home from the women's shelter. My mum was ripped away from her husband and her destructive life, and once again I was left to pick up the pieces. We struggled. We fought. We starved. We survived. I finished year 12 with the best grades of my life and got into my first preference university and course. I left my hometown to start a new life with my boyfriend. I didn't mind leaving my mum in our hometown because my brother lived near by. Everything was okay for a while. Now my brother is moving up to the city near my sister and I, which leaves my mum all alone in a town full of bad memories. I feel terrible; she's becoming an old woman with nothing to show for her life. No family, no money, nothing. I've spent my entire life looking after her and I feel like I'm doing something terribly wrong now that I've broken away from that life. I worry for her mental and physical stability; she's extremely depressed, often suicidal, alone and is struggling with a broken back.
I'm terrified and it shows.
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