Part 2: an unfamiliar feeling that's just too familiar

Ever since I can remember I've been looking after my mum. I remember when she had her mental breakdown, I had just started high school. I'd tuck her into my bed beside me at night and I'd stay up for as long as I could, just to make sure that she was getting some rest. One night I realised that something was different; there was no one beside me when I woke up. Later that day I realised that she had stabbed the inside of her arm (where all the major veins meet) with a bottle opener. I blamed myself. I thought that I had failed her. I struggled for the rest of my high school years with the idea that I could of been responsible for her death as I hadn't stayed up long enough to make sure that she was asleep.

My relationship with my mum has always been strained. We've never had a mother daughter bond, or even a simple friendship. She just made shitty decisions time and time again and I was left to pick up the pieces and deal with the consequences. These experiences have shaped who I am today in such a negative way. I struggle to handle my feelings and thoughts adequately. I'm terrified of making the same mistakes as my mum and I'm terrible at coping with what happened in my childhood (or lack of).

Last year my mum and her husband got into a fight, and in result, her back was broken. She stayed with him. I kept my mouth shut and numbed myself even further. Not long afterwards my brother rang the police and informed them on everything. I watched my step father, step brother and gran be arrested for multiple offences. My mum and I were given a home from the women's shelter. My mum was ripped away from her husband and her destructive life, and once again I was left to pick up the pieces. We struggled. We fought. We starved. We survived. I finished year 12 with the best grades of my life and got into my first preference university and course. I left my hometown to start a new life with my boyfriend. I didn't mind leaving my mum in our hometown because my brother lived near by. Everything was okay for a while. Now my brother is moving up to the city near my sister and I, which leaves my mum all alone in a town full of bad memories. I feel terrible; she's becoming an old woman with nothing to show for her life. No family, no money, nothing. I've spent my entire life looking after her and I feel like I'm doing something terribly wrong now that I've broken away from that life. I worry for her mental and physical stability; she's extremely depressed, often suicidal, alone and is struggling with a broken back.

I'm terrified and it shows.