Recaps.

It's currently 2:28am and I need to get a few things off my chest (well, fingers).

A week ago today it was my 19th birthday. I had no phone calls at midnight (or none at all, for that matter), no gifts, no surprises, I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years (who I later took back) and limited people remembered it was my birthday. I saw friends who I've known for years and they didn't say a thing to me. I had my "best friend" lie to me and tell me that he got me something when he didn't. I spent a 3 hour bus from my mum's to my current house in Adelaide where I plotted my suicide. Every thought was running through my mind. Every possibility. I hadn't stopped crying since I had woken up and I sure as hell wasn't stopping while this depression had me by the shoulders. I honestly thought I was either going to end up in hospital by the end of the night, or possibly even dead. These thoughts passed once I got off the bus and saw Kody.

Kody has always been a strong light for me. I didn't know how much I depended on him until that moment. I'm not sure where our relationship is going or if he's the one that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, but I really am very grateful to have him in my life right now. And right now is all that matters. It's too difficult to plan ahead because then I create expectations and I get extreme anxiety which makes it so easy for my depression to get to me. I don't know. Everything's difficult.

I'm not sure as to what my future holds. I thought uni wasn't for me, but after this long break I feel refreshed and like I can tackle another semester and hopefully even pass my subjects this time. Maybe I can finish uni and get a degree, it just might not be an easy path. It might take many more years than I thought. What other choice do I have than to just keep swimming? I wish things were easier. I wish I had someone to show me the way, or to encourage me or inspire me. I wish I had a family who were stable and who cared for one another. I wish I had friends that remembered and cared about me. I wish I had motivation to complete my goals. I wish I had a passion for something. Anything.

I guess I just want to know that my existence is significant and that I'm not just a disposable waste of breath.