Dear little bean,
I'm currently 6 and a half weeks pregnant with you, so we're half way to the 'safe zone'. I have dreadful nausea and can't stomach the idea of 90% of food. If I even THINK about chicken or tuna I gag (like I am right now.)

Despite the whole 'I feel like I'm about to die' feeling, I'm just glad that you're still cooking. I've read enough to know that having nausea is a good sign in pregnancy so I'm really stoked that you're okay, even though I'm suffering. This week you are going to triple in size so my cramps are gonna triple in intensity, but that's okay too.

This week I've been constantly asking myself "am I really ready for this? Am I old enough? Wise enough? Responsible enough?". I really don't know the answer to any of those questions. A week ago I had it all figured out, but now it's really hit me. I remember reading something a long while ago that asked if you could care for a child right now. It had questions like "do you have things to offer the child right now? Money to support the child right now? Could you be fully prepared by tomorrow? If not, you're not ready for a child."

Judging by that, I'd have to say no, I'm not ready. I have so little to offer you right now. I wouldn't be ready to have you by tomorrow. However, I know that I will be ready for you by the time you're due. I'll have everything you'll need emotionally, physically and financially. Sure, your dad and I are both still in uni, but by the time you're due your dad will only have half a year left until he gets his degree, and I'll look after you all day until we feel that you're ready for a sitter or child care.

We might not have it all right now, but by the time you're born you'll have everything you'll ever need, I promise.

Happy one month, kid!

Hey little one! You have me crazy bloated almost everyday. For the most part you let me know that you're still there by supplying me with constant cramping and sore boobies, but lately my bloating is going down and my pains are only there every now and then. You're kind of worrying me if I'm honest. I'm really hoping that my body is just getting used to all these hormones and that you're not going anywhere. I guess I'll find out at my doctor's appointment on Friday, a day before I'll be 6 weeks pregnant with you. Please be there.

Recently your Aunty Kim came over with all of her pregnancy books. Inside one of them she has written her children's names and days of birth. She said that when you come, you can go in the book too, which meant a lot to me. I really can't wait to put you in there, kiddo.

Our Sydney trip!

Kody and I recently traveled to Sydney, Australia for his sisters wedding, and oh my god, it's so pretty there. We got to see the Sydney Opera House and the Sydney Harbour Bridge multiple times, which was insane. We stayed in the Pullman Hotel which overlooks Hyde Park, also insane. And more importantly, we got to enjoy a nice weekend away, ticking things off of our buckets lists and enjoying each others company.

Our love affair isn't over Sydney, we'll be back one day.

I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster for the past couple of weeks. My hormones are going crazy and I feel weird 24/7. I really love it. I consider myself lucky to be able to feel every change in my body occurring, even though most of the time I'm in pain. I really do look, feel and think differently. Everything has been put into perspective for me. I think pregnancy and I will get along just fine.

Every night Kody and I lay in bed and discuss everything baby related. We've been reading pregnancy books and researching things on the internet in order to come up with a pregnancy/ birth/ parenthood dynamic. It's really, really fun. Even though we have 2 months until we're in the "safe zone" of our pregnancy, planning what could be is warming my heart.

I hope this tadpole sticks.

Welcome to the family, kid.

Your dad and I around October, 2011

 

 

Our prom in December, 2011

 

 

At your Aunty Kim's wedding in October, 2012

 

 

And lastly, New Years Eve, 2012!

Your father is intelligent, loving and sensitive. When it comes to the people he loves, he's 100% dedicated to making their life easier, even if it means that his life will get harder. Many things come easy to him, and we're opposites in so many ways. While he's very calm, patient and handles things well, I struggle to contain my thoughts and emotions. I hate when things aren't going the way I'd like them to, as bratty as that sounds, whereas your dad accepts it and moves on. He's very strong and puts up with A LOT. He will teach you everything you need to know about the earth that we live on. He will show you how to tie your shoes and how to clip suspenders onto your pants. He will show you how easy it is to love and to be loved. He will inspire you, like he's inspired everybody else that he's ever met. He will give you hope.

I'm emotional, thoughtful and open minded. I'm always trying to find new information, create new ideas and learn new concepts. I was never very good at comprehending what a teacher was telling me, but when it comes to things that I find interesting, I can spend hours of my time researching and learning. Your father is most definitely the opposite in that respect. I can lose my cool very easy and often let the negative parts of myself dominate the positive sides. I will teach you the importance of baking cupcakes on a Sunday afternoon. I will let you identify with yourself however you please with nothing but love and support. I will let you eat dirt sometimes. I will show you that despite the constant struggle, there is nothing more important than letting positivity overcome negativity. I will give you strength. 

You're gonna be alright, kid.

2 days + 4 days

Our holiday to Sydney is only 2 days away! I'm so excited for good vibes, good food and amazing memories. I've never been on a plane or gone on a trip without any family. I live a sheltered life, I know. It's all very exciting, I just can't put it into words. Probably because the next part of this post has my mind racing.

I think I might be pregnant.

Tonight I took a pregnancy test, waited a couple of minutes and considered it a negative. 10 minutes later I had to use the restroom again because I drank a lot of water before I took the test. Mid pee I felt the urge to check the test again. I don't even know why, it was just intuition I guess, and to my surprise there was a very, VERY faint positive.

Holy effing shit.

Seeing as Kody was admitted to hospital today for type 1 diabetes reasons (I completely forgot to mention this earlier, THAT'S how much my mind is going cray) I had to message him the news. We both agree that it's too early to be sure, and that the test hasn't really confirmed anything to us. I'm going to test again when we get back from Sydney in 4 days if my period doesn't come before then. I'm terrified of this all being a big joke. My heart is too full of happiness (and shock) to handle this being taken from me.