Self destruction.

I'm in a rut. A self destructive rut. I wake. I watch Vampire Diaries. I take a half hour break around the 4 hour mark and eat something to get me by. I spend the next 10 hours watching Vampire Diaries. By then my brain is searching for more; Vampire Diaries no longer suffices. I start to think about things. Things start clawing at my conscience. I force myself to go to sleep to escape the thoughts. I wake. I repeat.

I'm drowning.

Part 2: an unfamiliar feeling that's just too familiar

Ever since I can remember I've been looking after my mum. I remember when she had her mental breakdown, I had just started high school. I'd tuck her into my bed beside me at night and I'd stay up for as long as I could, just to make sure that she was getting some rest. One night I realised that something was different; there was no one beside me when I woke up. Later that day I realised that she had stabbed the inside of her arm (where all the major veins meet) with a bottle opener. I blamed myself. I thought that I had failed her. I struggled for the rest of my high school years with the idea that I could of been responsible for her death as I hadn't stayed up long enough to make sure that she was asleep.

My relationship with my mum has always been strained. We've never had a mother daughter bond, or even a simple friendship. She just made shitty decisions time and time again and I was left to pick up the pieces and deal with the consequences. These experiences have shaped who I am today in such a negative way. I struggle to handle my feelings and thoughts adequately. I'm terrified of making the same mistakes as my mum and I'm terrible at coping with what happened in my childhood (or lack of).

Last year my mum and her husband got into a fight, and in result, her back was broken. She stayed with him. I kept my mouth shut and numbed myself even further. Not long afterwards my brother rang the police and informed them on everything. I watched my step father, step brother and gran be arrested for multiple offences. My mum and I were given a home from the women's shelter. My mum was ripped away from her husband and her destructive life, and once again I was left to pick up the pieces. We struggled. We fought. We starved. We survived. I finished year 12 with the best grades of my life and got into my first preference university and course. I left my hometown to start a new life with my boyfriend. I didn't mind leaving my mum in our hometown because my brother lived near by. Everything was okay for a while. Now my brother is moving up to the city near my sister and I, which leaves my mum all alone in a town full of bad memories. I feel terrible; she's becoming an old woman with nothing to show for her life. No family, no money, nothing. I've spent my entire life looking after her and I feel like I'm doing something terribly wrong now that I've broken away from that life. I worry for her mental and physical stability; she's extremely depressed, often suicidal, alone and is struggling with a broken back.

I'm terrified and it shows.

Part 1: uni dropout

I've completely given up on uni. My Philosophy essay is a week overdue and I'm yet to start, and I just went to double check that I've got a week left to do my Justice and Policy essay and found out that it was due days ago. I'm so disappointed in myself but I've just got to accept that uni isn't for everybody. Unfortunately I'm one of those people. I'm not sure if I'm even going to bother going to my Crime and Criminology exam next week. I feel so hopeless. I'm still going to do next semester; I may as well finish the year off and start a Tafe course next year. I really hope I find my feet soon.

Today I ordered myself some extensions, bought a suitcase for my Sydney trip and treated myself to a new curler. I'm exhausted!

I'm lost

I hate university. I hate it hate it hate it. I hate getting up early. I hate studying. I hate having to do before class exercising. I hate traveling to uni. I hate sitting at uni. I hate rude lecturers, tutors and students. I hate lectures, tutorials and students. I hate doing essays. I hate it all, so why do I have to do it? Why can't I just be for a little while? Why can't I sleep in and know that there's nothing that requires me putting 110% of myself into, other than myself? Why did I have to grow up so fast and make a choice that I was far too naive and young to make?

AND WHY CAN'T I GET THAT MANY WORDS IN THIS BLOODY ESSAY, OH MY GOD.

Planned Adventures

Kody and I have a trip planned to go to Sydney in September for his sisters wedding. Our flights and accommodation were paid for months ago and I've saved a couple hundred so far, thank lord yeezus! Although we're only there for a couple days, I have so much planned. Once we arrive on the friday night, we're going straight out to Darling Harbour with his family to celebrate his sister's last day of not being a bride. Once we get back to the hotel I plan to explore all the fitness/ swimming options and check out the view from the roof.

Saturday is the wedding day! I plan to get up super early and do a little shopping on Oxford street and grav some lunch. The ceremony is sometime in the afternoon. We have to catch a ferry to get there and it goes under the Harbour Bridge so that'll be cool. In between the ceremony and reception, Kody and I are having a cute date at Ladurée, a french macaron and tea shop.

The reception  is being held at the hotel that we're staying at, which is very convenient for us. I can't wait for the food! It's going to be a nice night. After the reception I assume that Kody and I will make use of the hotel's facilities; room service and sauna! Sunday will be my designated shopping day. Hopefully I don't blow all my money before then or it'll be a very uneventful day until our flight! Haha.

I'M SO EXCITED! 3 MONTHS TO GO!